Could You help me push aside all that I have left behind?

It's been exactly one year since Blake died. September 28th, 2008. This past year has been incredibly long, so much has happened it's so hard to believe that all of it's taken place in this period of time. But in the same way, it's still such a small amount of time. I can't even wrap my mind around it.

I never truly knew Blake. I was just a sophomore, and he a Senior: his name was one that you often heard, but I never actually knew. I had met him on a couple occassions only because we had mutual friends who were seniors that year of whom I am so priviledged to have known and spent time with. We found out about his suicide the following Monday, and it surprises me how clearly I remember it. You know, it was so long ago but really not that long at all.

We all sat in a circle in the dark during Leadership, Slaga (a former Student Govt advisor) was in the room with us, and Smith (our current advisor of 3 years) sat next to him. Laura, the student body president, was on the ground with Miner and Audrey. Nathan was to my right and Rachel on my left. I recall every bit of it. However, I don't remember hearing anything, all the words that were said or how we encouraged each other. Its as if all my senses were highly alert except for the ability to hear. I think that my mind was wandering in a thousand different places that I couldn't focus. It's one of those circumstances that cause you to think about those things you try not to. You put all your effort to distract you from that certain subject, and then when it hits you hard there's no escaping. I remember we all talked and cried and talked some more. It must have been only one hour, but it felt like so much longer. I tried to hide my tears because I felt unworthy (for lack of a better term) of crying over someone I hardly knew while in the midst of people who were close friends with him. I don't know if my reasoning made sense at the time, and quite frankly I still don't know if it does now.

Time is one of those strange things that can really mess you up. When we're young all we think is 'I wanna grow up!'. We get so tired of being treated like a little kid and that we anticipate certain landmarks and think once we reach it we'll be at the height of our game. I remember I couldn't wait to be 13 for some reason. Don't get me wrong, that really turned out to be a great year, but for the longest time I would just wait and wait, and wait and rush on the life I had at the moment. Then once I got there I decided that I wanted to be 15. I still don't understand why, but I always created these expectations of the kind of person I'd be. But it's like you try and try but never are able to fully live up to those expectations.
I've come to finally understand that God has put us where we are today for a specific reason and purpose. It's NOT by chance that we're at the school we go to, or we meet the people we meet. Time is short so we got to act on what we have RIGHT NOW because there's no guarantee it'll be there tomorrow. Tomorrow we may not have the same opportunities that we have right now.

Blake was only 17. So young, TOO young. I remember that's one of the things that bothered me so much. All I could ever ask was why. From what I had seen he seemingly had a decent life. First it was confusion, I was so confused about SO many things. Just scatterbrained, and if this post isn't making too much sense it's probably because I'm just as scatterbrained thinking about it. Then I was upset, mad at him for doing this to himself. It was a really bad frustration for the next couple days.

I remember walking down the main upperhallway during passing period right after they had formally announced it. The news itself was incredibly heartbreaking. All along the brick walls were countless amounts of girls huddled on the ground sobbing, and even more guys standing up just holding each other. Writing about it is so difficult because seeing a scene like that leaves you so devasated. It's like one of those movies that you never really think could happen at your own school, you'd never imagine actually seeing such hurt in small amount of area.

That's when I became angry. It just didn't seem fair, in my mind it was so selfish. I had thought that if only he knew the pain he had caused a good third of the school, he would have never done it. And I know, I even knew at the time, that that wasn't a way I should have thought about the situation. But it just hurt so much that that's where all my emotions headed.

The majority of students in my grade didn't really put too much thought into it. For them it was kind of like a 'how sad' kind of moment. But it hurt me so much that it actually was somewhat surprising to me. Whether or not that was 'normal', I think what contributed to the hurt I felt was everything we experienced in Leadership that day. Laura had dated Blake, but even moreso they were just very close friends. Which is why I had met him a couple times. If not anything else, I may have been effected most because of the relationships I had with those people who were so close to him.

Blake was the captain of the speech and debate team and an amazing speaker. In fact, amazing is an understatement, this guy was seriously great at talking. Not in a conceited or 'talk too much' way, but one of those passionate speakers who knows just how to capture an audience and keep them in. And that's just the thing, he had SO much potential. God has great plans for our gifts and talents, and just knowing that He'll use us through them is one of those ideas that makes us desperately strive for His call.

Actually, thinking about it again, another reason I was so confused with myself is because I had seen him a few days before. I don't remember how many days it was, but I know it was the week of his death. I had came in afterschool to my public speaking room to speak with my teacher, Mr. Mac, and Blake was there. I remember seeing him sitting on the top of a desk waiting for Mr. Mac as well. If I am recalling correctly we were the only two in the room for about a minute, and so I just kind of observed him. And I didn't see anything at all. I wasn't looking for anything particular, no one could have known that days later he would take his own life. And I think that's where most of the frustration came from after his suicide. Maybe it wasn't all my anger towards what he did, but anger with myself for not seeing it.

During 7th period that day, my public speaking class two semesters ago, Mr. Mac had us write. That was the prompt--to write. It didn't necessarily have to be what we had experienced that day, but just to write. By that time in the day, the last class, I had calmed myself down. But when I started writing that's when it all came back very slowly. You know, it starts out with just a few drops that you try to casually and quickly wipe from your face and then it suddenly turns into expelling emotion and the whole class stares at you. Another girl I'm close with who sat in front of me joined in crying, and after that I don't even know who else started from the chain reaction.

Mr. Mac and Blake had been extremely close because he was the Speech and Debate teacher and Blake was the head speaking honcho of the school. Looking at my teacher was just as much painful because I knew he was dealing with things too. He thought it'd be a good idea for us to then read what we wrote and then discuss if we were up to it. So we as a class talked about the suicide, but I didn't. I didn't want to. Frustration and thinking kinda overruled all of my other abilities, so I just sat there for a long time and cried.

I know this experience changed me. Blake's death was the start of a season for me, by far it was the beginning of the most difficult month of the year 2008. It seems like things hit me one after another. And so a year later I find it strange that all these not so great things have happened a month prior to the anniversary his death.


In some ways there's still that sting everytime I even hear the word suicide... It's like I'll hear it mentioned in church or see it when I check my newsfeeds, and it brings back so many memories from that day. When I had talked about the event with Brittany last year, she had me understand that ALL things happen for a reason. And that even when they don't make sense now and cause so much hurt, you always have the decision to make it into a testimony.


So that's what I plan on doing, and who knows, maybe I've already said something that has changed someone's mind. We don't have much time on this Earth as it is, so every opportunity we get we need to take it. This always brings me back to Ecclesiastes 3:1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.


Whenever you get that tug on your heart to say something to someone, just do it. My old theatre teacher always said 'if you can't help, don't hurt', and I believe that that statement's (somewhat) reciprocal is true as well- 'If it doesn't hurt, it could help'. You honestly never know how a few words could literally change someone's life entirely. Even if it doesn't feel convenient at the time, or a little awkward- it could possibly make a HUGE difference.


I'm writing these in sections, but I'm adding to different places out of order, so I apologize if this post isn't very coherent. Like I said, a thousand thoughts hit me at once and organizing them in my mind isn't too easy.

>>I wrote this blog on the Monday of the anniversary, but I had decided that I wasn't going to post it. Then I got a text from Nicole from church about someone from her school who had just taken their life, so I changed my mind. I know everythings not fully put together, so bare with me please.